Writing is my first form of creative expression.

I started writing in the sixth grade when we were told we could make a pen name for ourselves like all the old scribes that came before us…I’m not telling you my pseudonym, it will be a surprise! The point is that name change was like accessing a different side of myself that only existed when I picked up my magic wand…or you may see it as a pencil, pen, or paintbrush. My art bug eventually grew to pretty much every other art medium. Almost a decade of private vocal lessons in classical and operatic tones, studio tap dancing (and studio hip-hop but we’re not going to discuss that), to a dance crew in college (see, so much cooler), to majoring in Broadcast Journalism, spanning a ten-year career as a media producer. 

Art is my life.

And I am art.

After taking a year off from writing it became painfully obvious that all my other mediums had suffered too. In hopes of rediscovering myself I began diving into various versions of myself from ages six, twelve, my college years and then shortly after into my mid-twenties. These ages signified times in my life where I was at the utmost unapologetic in who I was and was becoming. I also felt more sure of everything. I was also under the guise of “go to school and get an education and then you’ll get a job that can support you and your student loans directly after.” Not. But I truly missed these versions of myself. Her energy hardly ever faltered, she knew where she was going and she was going to make it work even under the confines of capitalism and student loans. But 33-year-old Lo is so tired of making things work within a system that was never designed for her in the first place. 

As the first full moon came through earlier this year I realized that all those versions of myself still existed, I just had to access them. I eventually made the connection that my sacral chakra was, well, disconnected

For those of you wondering what the hell I just said, where do I begin?

I feel like I’ve shared this explanation before but it truly is one of the best and easiest ways of understanding the Chakra System

Okay, so the Sacral chakra or Svadhisthana is the second chakra, illuminated by the color orange and its name can be translated to “the dwelling place of the self”. This swirling pool of energy is blocked by fear of change, depression, addictions, and sexual dysfunction. It can be opened through honoring the body (think: meditation, exercise, healthy sexual practices) and embracing your inner creativity. But sometimes one of these two remedies gets lost in the sauce. Especially in today’s world. We begin to compare ourselves to the outside world. So much so, we lose touch with constant creation, aka practice, and because our current world–or lets be real, the matrix–expects us to be good at anything we pursue, we get discouraged easily until we find another outlet to release the pent up emotions. Emotions that deservingly belong to paper or canvases but we instead fill them with unworthy spirits…both kinds…or three kinds if you’re into supernatural shit.

 How do you un-fuck that?

Not surprisingly, one of the best ways to access your creative energy is by nourishing your sexual one, which gives new meaning to the term “go fuck yourself”. Surprisingly, though, celibacy is a great place to start embracing your sexual energy to allow it to transmute into the creative.

A lot of people think celibacy is a time of abstaining from sex completely, which is true in the narrow definition, but our world also uses the word “celibacy” incorrectly–along with bisexual, pansexual, and a lot of other sex and gender related terms but that’s a story for a different day. According to Britannica celibacy is the state of being unmarried and, therefore, sexually abstinent, usually in association with the role of a devotee, religious or spiritual official. However, over the years society has shaped the word and its meaning into a broader sense…like, errybody, and I do mean errybody, has celibacy somewhere in their religion or spiritual text. 

A wonderful sound bath and Sacral chakra explanation from Shay Sunshyne

This is my second experience practicing celibacy and funny enough, I always feel more sexual and explorative during this time…which is of course, the point. 

I’d been celibate once before a few years ago. It was honestly amazing! I got to know myself and awakened my inner goddess after she had been dormant for so long. In that time I realized I was encompassing my own version of perfect yin energy. I wasn’t afraid to go deep into the nooks, fractures and darker areas of my mind…or sexuality. Inside the yin is the lone drop of masculine energy. One that had been amplified by toxic stereotypes of Black women but as I became more comfortable with myself I also enjoyed getting in touch with that drop of masculinity, which, knowing that I could give myself that energy made me fall more in love with myself. 

I decided to tap into part two of my celibacy journey after a year of heartbreak and really getting to know myself…again. Of the two years I’ve abstained from sex; only one of them I was truly celibate, the other one was spent purging the last man from my heart and body. Once again it’s been a time of getting immensely in touch with myself…ba dum tsss. I’m not sorry. 

The first time I abstained I wasn’t sure where to begin so I did what most do, and dove into porn.  Not the best, or most realistic approach but it was a good place to start. However, my Venus is in Virgo and my Mars is in Gemini, and mental stimulation is a must before physical. From there I began to truly admire my body and wondered what it would be like to not just be me during sexual intimacy but what it’s like to be with me. 

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Like, actually looked at yourself. Trace all the details of your body with your eyes and then hands, not even sexually at first, just feeling human or maybe even divine.

Fucking yourself is a different kind of self love, and I don’t just mean general masturbation. It goes back to dating yourself. Self love often becomes muddied and complicated at some point, but one thing I’ve realized since taking this second trip is that consistent creative energy helps every facet of self love flow. Having a creative passion makes the “discipline” part of self love bearable. From my multitude of creative passions, the human body comes into play. Especially when you reach a certain age (please see: your Saturn return). Holistic care in collaboration with the arts have been a part of me since my eleventh grade research paper on color, music and aromatherapy. When I think back to why I never went into a holistic line of work before turning 30 it’s because of, yet again…societal pressure to make the arts work especially because my parents and I had invested so much into it from a young age, and I got a degree adjacent to it all because I gotta make shit cohesive, you know? That changed when I burst from the placenta of the freelancer.

Not knowing where to start, I did an array of things from copy editing and writing to producing, dog walking to teaching yoga, production assisting to voice acting. I didn’t care what the job was, if I had an interest and/or the skill set, I was going to try it. While I pride myself on knowing how to hustle hard, it’s now time to hustle smart. It was around this time that my coven sister, Chelsea, told me that I needed to have a job that I actually liked, not one that I was just capable of doing. So naturally, I delved into many options as a Sagittarius Midheaven would. 

I had my first boudoir shoot this past year and the experience honestly made me want to take off more clothes, photography by Red Door Boudoir

So I got a job as a virtual courtesan.

What kind you may ask? Well, you do the math, I just said I have a very large skill set. 

Anyway, the first way I ever truly taught myself to love me was through my writing. This unique job allows me to consistently write on my blog, hence the release of more actual unapologetic content. The year off from writing– which I now call my “artistic celibacy”- truly helped bring what kind of artist I yearn to be into focus. Even though much of last year looks like it “went to waste,” it was really a time of me putting major thought into what my role as an artist even looks like. As our world gets darker every day, I know that in order to see my path ahead I have to light my own torch. After all, we’re both our own light bringers and our own shadows.

The consistency for my passions didn’t come until I had worn out every single matrix job working for everyone but myself. I became my only choice. So here I am. I’m reminded of Toni Cade Bambara’s quote:

“The role of the artist is to make the revolution irresistible.”

In order to do that I need to remain as free as possible. For love, art, and freedom are all synonymous with one another.

I’m excited to come (aHA) into myself as I remember and discover all the skins that make up my colorful and blessed life. Times have been difficult but knowing that denying my darkest and most divine feminine self is more frightening than anything this rigged world can dish out. It has put me directly on the path that I have been dreaming about since I was a kid. 

So stay the course, I will…

Lo

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